Warning Signs

 

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With
Sun Shield in Place”
*
On an infant’s bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
*
On a package of Fisherman’s Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as
a substitute for human companionship.
*
On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
*
On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
*
On a cup of McDonald’s coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
*
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.
*
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
*
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
*
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
*
On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
*
On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.
*
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2-shipping and a $3-handling
charge, for a total of $4.97.
*
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
*
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
*
On a calendar: Use of term “Sunday” for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
*
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
*
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
*
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
*
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
*
On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
*
On children’s alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

Growing up on a dairy farm in southeastern Indiana, Gary traveled very little until midlife, when the opportunity became available to him.

Grabbing his camera and a bag full of equipment, he began his vision quest traveling to most areas of the United States and several countries abroad.

Along the way he collected several thousand photographs that he wants to share with everyone.

http://www.travelnsnap.com

Gary decided the best way to accomplish his goal was to publish photo documentaries on the various areas of the world he has visited.

What will follow will be several photography books, who knows how many will wind up in his collection.

To contact Gary:

journeysthrulife@gmail.com.

http://www.journeysthrulife.com.

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The Greek Priest

 

A Greek priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he’s stopped in Connecticut for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

The minister replies, “Just water.”

The trooper asks, “Then, why do I smell wine?”

The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”

Growing up on a dairy farm in southeastern Indiana, Gary traveled very little until midlife, when the opportunity became available to him.

Grabbing his camera and a bag full of equipment, he began his vision quest traveling to most areas of the United States and several countries abroad.

Along the way he collected several thousand photographs that he wants to share with everyone.

Photography Prints

http://www.travelnsnap.com

Gary decided the best way to accomplish his goal was to publish photo documentaries on the various areas of the world he has visited.

What will follow will be several photography books, who knows how many will wind up in his collection.

To contact Gary:

journeysthrulife@gmail.com.

http://www.journeysthrulife.com.

The Burglar, (Joke)

 

 

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!”
(“Turn from your sin and be baptized”)

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “She said she had an AX and two 38’s!”

Growing up on a dairy farm in southeastern Indiana, Gary traveled very little until midlife, when the opportunity became available to him.

photo fo two people, a child and an adult looking at a sunset over the ocean

Life was a lot slower and simpler in the fifties and sixties.

Grabbing his camera and a bag full of equipment, he began his vision quest traveling to most areas of the United States and several countries abroad.

Along the way he collected several thousand photographs that he wants to share with everyone.

http://www.travelnsnap.com

Gary decided the best way to accomplish his goal was to publish photo documentaries on the various areas of the world he has visited.

What will follow will be several photography books, who knows how many will wind up in his collection.

To contact Gary:

journeysthrulife@gmail.com.

http://www.journeysthrulife.com.

Signs on Church Property

religious jokes to make you laugh your head off.

Signs on Church Property

“No God — No Peace. Know God — Know Peace.”
*
“Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!”
*
An ad for St.Joseph’s Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands  holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, “For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”
*
“People are like tea bags — you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”
*
“God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.”
*
“When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright.”
*
“Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.”
*
“Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”
*
“Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the  pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.”
*
“Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”
*
“If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”
*
“If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”
*
“Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”
*
“This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?” ———> (U R)
*
“Forbidden fruit creates many jams.”
*
“In the dark? Follow the Son.”
*
“If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”

More jokes on my website.

Growing up on a dairy farm in southeastern Indiana, Gary traveled very little until midlife, when the opportunity became available to him.

Grabbing his camera and a bag full of equipment, he began his vision quest traveling to most areas of the United States and several countries abroad.

Along the way he collected several thousand photographs that he wants to share with everyone.

http://www.travelnsnap.com

Gary decided the best way to accomplish his goal was to publish photo documentaries on the various areas of the world he has visited.

What will follow will be several photography books, who knows how many will wind up in his collection.

To contact Gary:

journeysthrulife@gmail.com.

http://www.journeysthrulife.com.

You Know You’re On A No Frills Airline When

Relive the Glorious days of yesteryear

photo fo two people, a child and an adult looking at a sunset over the ocean

Life was a lot slower and simpler in the fifties and sixties.

You Know You’re on a “No Frills” Airline When…

They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.
*
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
*
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
*
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
*
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
*
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
*
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
*
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
*
The ground crew uses jumper cables and an old pickup truck to start the
engines.
*
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, “Just once.”

Growing up on a dairy farm in southeastern Indiana, Gary traveled very little until midlife, when the opportunity became available to him.

Grabbing his camera and a bag full of equipment, he began his vision quest traveling to most areas of the United States and several countries abroad.

Along the way he collected several thousand photographs that he wants to share with everyone.

http://www.travelnsnap.com

Gary decided the best way to accomplish his goal was to publish photo documentaries on the various areas of the world he has visited.

What will follow will be several photography books, who knows how many will wind up in his collection.

To contact Gary:

journeysthrulife@gmail.com.

http://www.journeysthrulife.com.

Church Bulletin Blunders

Sell Art Online

 

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service
bloopers:

Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High”.
*
Don’t let worry kill you–let the church help.
*
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
*
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
*
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
*
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
*
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
*
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
*
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
*
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
*
The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
*
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
*
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
*
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
*
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
*
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
*
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
*
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
*
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet” in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
*
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
*
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
*
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
*
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Growing up on a dairy farm in southeastern Indiana, Gary traveled very little until midlife, when the opportunity became available to him.

photo of Siesta Key beach

A photo story of the sunshine state, Florida

Grabbing his camera and a bag full of equipment, he began his vision quest traveling to most areas of the United States and several countries abroad.

Along the way he collected several thousand photographs that he wants to share with everyone.

http://www.travelnsnap.com

Gary decided the best way to accomplish his goal was to publish photo documentaries on the various areas of the world he has visited.

What will follow will be several photography books, who knows how many will wind up in his collection.

To contact Gary:

journeysthrulife@gmail.com.

http://www.journeysthrulife.com.

Stupid Laws 2

 

Nebraska
A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a
church service.

New Mexico
Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

New York
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking
“at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a
“pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

North Dakota
Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

Ohio
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

Oklahoma
Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

Pennsylvania
A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.

No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

Texas
A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Vermont
Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week – on Saturday night.

Washington
All lollipops are banned.

A law to reduce crime states: “It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.”

West Virginia
No children may attend school with their breath smelling of “wild onions.”

Growing up on a dairy farm in southeastern Indiana, Gary traveled very little until midlife, when the opportunity became available to him.

photo of Siesta Key beach

A photo story of the sunshine state, Florida

Grabbing his camera and a bag full of equipment, he began his vision quest traveling to most areas of the United States and several countries abroad.

Along the way he collected several thousand photographs that he wants to share with everyone.

http://www.travelnsnap.com

Gary decided the best way to accomplish his goal was to publish photo documentaries on the various areas of the world he has visited.

What will follow will be several photography books, who knows how many will wind up in his collection.

To contact Gary:

journeysthrulife@gmail.com.

http://www.journeysthrulife.com.