The Burglar, (Joke)

 

 

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!”
(“Turn from your sin and be baptized”)

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “She said she had an AX and two 38’s!”

Growing up on a dairy farm in southeastern Indiana, Gary traveled very little until midlife, when the opportunity became available to him.

photo fo two people, a child and an adult looking at a sunset over the ocean

Life was a lot slower and simpler in the fifties and sixties.

Grabbing his camera and a bag full of equipment, he began his vision quest traveling to most areas of the United States and several countries abroad.

Along the way he collected several thousand photographs that he wants to share with everyone.

http://www.travelnsnap.com

Gary decided the best way to accomplish his goal was to publish photo documentaries on the various areas of the world he has visited.

What will follow will be several photography books, who knows how many will wind up in his collection.

To contact Gary:

journeysthrulife@gmail.com.

http://www.journeysthrulife.com.

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Signs on Church Property

religious jokes to make you laugh your head off.

Signs on Church Property

“No God — No Peace. Know God — Know Peace.”
*
“Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!”
*
An ad for St.Joseph’s Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands  holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, “For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”
*
“People are like tea bags — you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”
*
“God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.”
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“When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright.”
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“Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.”
*
“Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”
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“Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the  pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.”
*
“Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”
*
“If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”
*
“If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”
*
“Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”
*
“This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?” ———> (U R)
*
“Forbidden fruit creates many jams.”
*
“In the dark? Follow the Son.”
*
“If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”

More jokes on my website.

Growing up on a dairy farm in southeastern Indiana, Gary traveled very little until midlife, when the opportunity became available to him.

Grabbing his camera and a bag full of equipment, he began his vision quest traveling to most areas of the United States and several countries abroad.

Along the way he collected several thousand photographs that he wants to share with everyone.

http://www.travelnsnap.com

Gary decided the best way to accomplish his goal was to publish photo documentaries on the various areas of the world he has visited.

What will follow will be several photography books, who knows how many will wind up in his collection.

To contact Gary:

journeysthrulife@gmail.com.

http://www.journeysthrulife.com.

You Know You’re On A No Frills Airline When

Relive the Glorious days of yesteryear

photo fo two people, a child and an adult looking at a sunset over the ocean

Life was a lot slower and simpler in the fifties and sixties.

You Know You’re on a “No Frills” Airline When…

They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.
*
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
*
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
*
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
*
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
*
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
*
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
*
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
*
The ground crew uses jumper cables and an old pickup truck to start the
engines.
*
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, “Just once.”

Growing up on a dairy farm in southeastern Indiana, Gary traveled very little until midlife, when the opportunity became available to him.

Grabbing his camera and a bag full of equipment, he began his vision quest traveling to most areas of the United States and several countries abroad.

Along the way he collected several thousand photographs that he wants to share with everyone.

http://www.travelnsnap.com

Gary decided the best way to accomplish his goal was to publish photo documentaries on the various areas of the world he has visited.

What will follow will be several photography books, who knows how many will wind up in his collection.

To contact Gary:

journeysthrulife@gmail.com.

http://www.journeysthrulife.com.

Church Bulletin Blunders

Sell Art Online

 

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service
bloopers:

Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High”.
*
Don’t let worry kill you–let the church help.
*
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
*
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
*
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
*
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
*
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
*
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
*
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
*
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
*
The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
*
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
*
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
*
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
*
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
*
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
*
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
*
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
*
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet” in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
*
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
*
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
*
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
*
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Growing up on a dairy farm in southeastern Indiana, Gary traveled very little until midlife, when the opportunity became available to him.

photo of Siesta Key beach

A photo story of the sunshine state, Florida

Grabbing his camera and a bag full of equipment, he began his vision quest traveling to most areas of the United States and several countries abroad.

Along the way he collected several thousand photographs that he wants to share with everyone.

http://www.travelnsnap.com

Gary decided the best way to accomplish his goal was to publish photo documentaries on the various areas of the world he has visited.

What will follow will be several photography books, who knows how many will wind up in his collection.

To contact Gary:

journeysthrulife@gmail.com.

http://www.journeysthrulife.com.

Stupid Laws 2

 

Nebraska
A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a
church service.

New Mexico
Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

New York
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking
“at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a
“pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

North Dakota
Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

Ohio
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

Oklahoma
Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

Pennsylvania
A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.

No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

Texas
A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Vermont
Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week – on Saturday night.

Washington
All lollipops are banned.

A law to reduce crime states: “It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.”

West Virginia
No children may attend school with their breath smelling of “wild onions.”

Growing up on a dairy farm in southeastern Indiana, Gary traveled very little until midlife, when the opportunity became available to him.

photo of Siesta Key beach

A photo story of the sunshine state, Florida

Grabbing his camera and a bag full of equipment, he began his vision quest traveling to most areas of the United States and several countries abroad.

Along the way he collected several thousand photographs that he wants to share with everyone.

http://www.travelnsnap.com

Gary decided the best way to accomplish his goal was to publish photo documentaries on the various areas of the world he has visited.

What will follow will be several photography books, who knows how many will wind up in his collection.

To contact Gary:

journeysthrulife@gmail.com.

http://www.journeysthrulife.com.

I Live in Phoenix

 

Sell Art Online

 

May 30th: Just moved to Phoenix. Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. (Uhhhh yeahhhh cuz I couldn’t stand up) It was beautiful. I’ve
finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No
more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. (Keep Commin’ Back – dummy)

July 4th: We drove up on South Mountain to take in the view overlooking the city to the north and the surrounding farmlands
on the Indian reservation to the south. I counted no less than 18 of those mini-tornados of the desert called dust-devils. This must be the southwest’s version of fire-works.

July 10th: The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this heat? (LOLLLL) But getting used to
the heat is taking longer than I expected. At least it’s kind of windy around sundown everyday. Yesterday all the trees on our street were knocked down by the wind blast. They tell me that only occurs once in a while.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 2nd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 2 days of work, what a dumb thing
to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I missed Jerry (our cat) sneaking into the car when I  left this morning. By the time I got back to the hot car for lunch,
Jerry had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that he ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and Kitty poop. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th: The wind stinks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can’t even go inside. I
didn’t know that I was allergic to massive amounts of mosquito bites. How do they survive the heat? I feel like I am living in a
Pizza oven. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th: It’s 113 degrees. Finally got the air- conditioner fixed  today. It cost $500 and is bringing the temperature down a little.
Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this stupid city.

Aug. 8th: If another wise Dude cracks, “…but it’s a dry heat”, I’m going to tear his throat out. Darn heat. By the time I get to work
the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a dead cat!!

Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my butt was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. I tried to lift my butt off the seat by grabbing on to the steering wheel and got third degree burns on my hands!! Now my car smells like some kind of burnt offering and fried cat guts.

Aug. 10th: The weather report might as well be a darn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do crap for 2 darn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren darn desert?? Because of the water rationing $1700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the darn pool. Even the cactus can’t live in this heat.

Aug. 11th: We saw our first sand storm today. They even showed it on TV as it blew across the valley. A wall of dust 12,000 feet
high advancing on the metropolis like something out of a Japanese science fiction movie. They never told us that it is frequently accompanied with light rain and hail. The car NOW looks like it was used in some kind of mudhog derby. The light aluminum awning I put up for shade looks like someone tested a couple of thousand ball-peen hammers on it. And it only cost $150 to have the pool filter replaced.

Aug. 12th: I got the water bill today. $536 and that’s because I tried to keep the cactus alive and the pool’s automatic filler never
shuts off. We have been trying to keep the area around our house a little cooler with this new misting system that everybody says works. All I see when I turn it on is a cloud from the roof line to about eye level that disappears into steam.

Aug. 13th: Today we got the electric bill. $642 for running the air conditioner day and night to cool the house down to about
90 degrees.

Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the darn windshield out
of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, “…but it’s a dry heat”, My husband had to spend the $1500 house payment to
bail me out of jail.’

Growing up on a dairy farm in southeastern Indiana, Gary traveled very little until midlife, when the opportunity became available to him.

Grabbing his camera and a bag full of equipment, he began his vision quest traveling to most areas of the United States and several countries abroad.

Along the way he collected several thousand photographs that he wants to share with everyone.

http://www.travelnsnap.com

Gary decided the best way to accomplish his goal was to publish photo documentaries on the various areas of the world he has visited.

What will follow will be several photography books, who knows how many will wind up in his collection.

To contact Gary:

journeysthrulife@gmail.com.

http://www.journeysthrulife.com.

You Know You’re not a Kid anymore when

 

You Know You’re Not a Kid Anymore When…

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
*
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
*
Your back goes out more than you do.
*
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
*
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
*
You are proud of your lawnmower.
*
Your best friend is dating someone half his age…and isn’t breaking any laws.
*
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
*
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
*
You sing along with the elevator music.
*
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
*
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
*
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
*
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
*
People call at 9:00 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
*
You have a dream about prunes.
*
You answer a question with, “Because I said so!”
*
You send money to PBS.
*
You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit.
*
The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of you pants.
*
You take a metal detector to the beach.

Art Prints

*
You wear black socks with sandals.
*
You know what the word “equity” means.
*
You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
*
Your ears are hairer than your head.
*
You talk about “good grass”, and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
*
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
*
You got cable for the weather channel.
*
You can go bowling without drinking.
*
You have a party, and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

Growing up on a dairy farm in southeastern Indiana, Gary traveled very little until midlife, when the opportunity became available to him.

photo fo two people, a child and an adult looking at a sunset over the ocean

Life was a lot slower and simpler in the fifties and sixties.

Grabbing his camera and a bag full of equipment, he began his vision quest traveling to most areas of the United States and several countries abroad.

Along the way he collected several thousand photographs that he wants to share with everyone.

http://www.travelnsnap.com

Gary decided the best way to accomplish his goal was to publish photo documentaries on the various areas of the world he has visited.

What will follow will be several photography books, who knows how many will wind up in his collection.

To contact Gary:

journeysthrulife@gmail.com.

http://www.journeysthrulife.com.