The IRS Audit

The IRS Audit

The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him
to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS
auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and
no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor’s jaw drops.

Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Ralph asks. “I’ll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into
that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully
and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney.
“This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he
bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk —
and that you’d be happy about it!”

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Photography Prints

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Court Transcripts

Photography Prints

More Real Court Transcripts

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

—–

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

—–

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

—–

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

—–

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

—–

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

—–

JUDGE: “The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant, sir?”

DEFENDANT: “No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.”

—–

Last, Responses to Interrogatories answered by the wife in divorce case:

52. Do you have a proposal to settle this case amicably?

ANSWER: Yes.

53. Assuming your answer to the preceding interrogatory is in the affirmative, please state such a proposal.

ANSWER: Use a silver bullet or a wooden stake as is appropriate in these cases.

You will hear with these.

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

The wisdom of our ancestors

The wisdom of our ancestors

There is an extreme shortage of common sense in today’s world,
I often think back to what my parents and grandparents believed and said, at the time I thought they were totally out of their mind and ignored it. I now wish I would have listened and followed their advice more often.
It is in this light I have decided to publish some of my random thoughts based on the views of our ancestors.

Up in Smoke

This is too funny, justice at last.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a
month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and
without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,
the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer
sued….and won!

More than 14,000 Legal Forms

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
“fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his
loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested !!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24
months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

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