Andy Rooney


Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in
with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough,
they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I
put garbage in with my check when I mail it in.
Coffee grinds, banana peels…I write, “Could you throw this away for
me? Thank you.”


*

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I
noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) ‘Married’ (walk off). That’s
how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it’s hard
to
get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
*

Cripes:
My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like ‘Cripes.’ For Cripe’s sake. Who would that be, Jesus
Cripes? The son of ‘Gosh?’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’.
I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in
‘Heck’?
*

Pregnancy:
It’s weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, ‘Oh
my.
He’s kicking. Do you wanna feel it?’ I always feel awkward reaching over
there. Come on! It’s weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don’t do
that when I have gas. “Oh my…give me your hand…It won’t be long
now…”
*

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy
Senior
Citizen’. You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
dollar
she gave you for your birthday.
*

Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life
is tough. It
takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death.
What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should
die
first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get
kicked
forty out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You
work
years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs,
alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school,
you
become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little
baby,
you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…you
finish
off as a gleam.
*

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house
each prisoner?
Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I’ll take a few prisoners into my
house.
I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think
we
should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to
run
twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they
don’t
want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the
generator.
*

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have
awards
for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I
taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole
thing.
*

Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did
you
ever notice there’s always like 18% “I don’t know”. It costs 90 cents to
call
up and vote…They’re voting “I don’t know.” “Honey, I feel very strongly
about
this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON’T KNOW! (hangs up,
looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re
not
sure about.” This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say
“I’m
not in the mood.”
*

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone’s
answering
machine? “Hi, It’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now.
I hope
you
are, too. The thought for the day is ‘Share the love’. Beep.” “Uh,
yeah…this is the VD clinic calling…Speaking of being positive, your test
is
back. Stop sharing the love.”

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